Well! I just experienced one of those parenting milestones a mom knows is coming but hopes it won’t happen until her child is in her 20s and about to get married.  Hey Mommy?  Where do babies come from?  Ok, maybe not in her 20s, but at least older than preschool???  And of course, Matt wasn’t home. He had run to the store as I tucked five year old Miss Boo into bed.

Boo: Mommy, where was I before I was born?

Me: I think before you were born you were a little angel sitting on a cloud.  You liked to dangle your feet off the cloud and watch the people below.  One day you saw me and said, “I want her to be my mommy!”

Boo: (Laughs)  That’s so funny!  I was an angel on a cloud!

Me: You sure were, Boo.

Boo: Wow!  Now I know where babies come from!

Me: Um… well… not exactly…

Boo: Yeah, I flew down from that cloud!  How did I get into your tummy?  Did I fly into your tummy?

Me:  Well… no… um…

Boo: Mommy, tell me the story on how I got into your tummy!

Me: Oh boy. Is your father home from the store yet???

This would have been the time to bring out the pediatrician approved, age appropriate, how babies are made book written especially to not confuse or frighten young minds.  In a perfect setting, Mommy and Daddy would both be there to read the book, answer questions, and set the tone early that she can come to either one of us with her questions.

One problem.  How do you explain artificial insemination at a fertility clinic to a five year old?

We’re being honest with JunaBug on how she came into our lives.  At 2, she tells me that Mommy and Daddy came over on an airplane to China and brought her home to her sisters.  Shouldn’t I be honest and have the same approach with the other two?

OH, how about Avie, our unexpected but very welcome surprise baby?  Avie, you were made the old fashioned way during a quickie while your sister watched Mickey Mouse Club in the other room.

Ok, maybe not THAT honest.

But Miss Boo?  Made at the clinic?  How do you explain that to a five year old?

Me: Well, honey, your mommy and daddy loved each other so much that we went to the hospital.  Mommy said to Daddy, “Ok, when I was here the day before for my trigger shot, I scoped out the bathroom situation in the hospital. The clinic does not have a private father’s room. There’s only 1 one person locking bathroom in the entire hospital, but it’s behind the nurses station in Radiology.  Hey, if you need to use them for inspiration, go for it.  I don’t care who you picture, just get it done because our appointment downstairs at the clinic is in 15 minutes.  Happy .. um… here take the collection cup and have fun!”

When Daddy came out of the bathroom grinning,  Mommy high fived Daddy said, “Man I wish my portion of this process was that much fun!”

Mommy and Daddy then raced downstairs to the fertility clinic where they were the first couple in line that day.  Mommy said to the nurse, “Thank goodness we’re first.  That means you won’t get his sample confused with some doofus looking guy from West County.”  As if on cue, in walked an upscale looking couple I assumed was indeed from West County.  And yeah, he was kind of doofus looking.   I thanked your Daddy in my head for being so being so quick on the draw that day.  Er, um… OK SO THEN…

Mommy and Daddy were then taken back to an exam room where moments later a nurse appeared with a tube filled with pink liquid.  She explained, “This doesn’t mean this will make girls.  We wash the sample so only the strongest swimmers survive and the fluid just happens to be pink.”  Mommy was disappointed because she really had hoped pink meant girl.

Matt: Swimmers?  Don’t we have to use the proper terms?

Me: Then a catheter was inserted into mommy’s UTERUS  and the pink liquid was put into mommy and … wow I can just imagine the stories being shared at preschool tomorrow.

So then Mommy was given another shot in her bootie and told to come back on Monday for an ultrasound to see if the follicle containing an egg had burst, meaning the egg was probably released, but that was no guarantee an egg had come out or even fertilized.  That made Mommy sad because $750 dollars is a lot of money to put your legs in the stirrups at a hospital and not get knocked up.  I mean, $750 for fertile couples could buy them a whole weekend at a fancy hotel and OF COURSE they’d walk away pregnant without even trying.  But noooooooooo not us…. Wow.  I’m still bitter. She’s five years old.  We have three children.  I’m still bitter.  Do I need to go back into therapy for this?

Matt: This went well.

Miss Boo: So I was an angel on a cloud, huh.

Yeah.  I think that discussion will have to wait a few years.