You Can’t Write this Stuff

crazy lifeI know what everybody says, their lives would make a perfect TV show. Well, honey, let me tell you something, the last thing we need around here is a bunch of cameramen following our family around. You’d think we were all clinically insane and frankly, I don’t need our crazy hilarity becoming fodder for late night talk show hosts.

But there are some pretty wild and wacky goings-on around here. You wouldn’t believe some of the strange stuff that happens in this house. The kids do things that I never would have gotten away with in my parents’ home. I’d have had my hide tanned raw if I pulled some of the antics of these little devils. My dear darling hubby tries to help, but let’s face it, he likes to play the good cop. I sure as heck don’t mind being the bad cop because the bad cop gets respect. The good cop is fine and all, and I sure do love my good cop, but when the S hits the F, the bad cop has to take care of it. And I got no problem with that. [Read more...]

I Can’t Sleep and I’ve Been Thinking

cant sleepIt’s like 2:45 in the morning and I can’t sleep. I hate nights like this.

My mind is on overdrive, thinking about all the things I want to accomplish, the things I haven’t yet been able to accomplish and all the successes and failures in between.

For some strange reason, I can’t get people out of my head. Not the little weird voices that tell me to do strange things, they’ll always be there (!), no I’m thinking about the people who have left. The life changes I’ve made in the past, and how those decisions affected those around me. The decision to get married, the decision to have a family, coping with the symptoms of my condition by cutting out certain things that I once used to enjoy. Changing my lifestyle habits. Heck, we’ve all done the things we’ve needed to do and those actions have sometimes resulted in the loss of things that we thought were important but, you know what, it turns out they weren’t important at all. [Read more...]

The Watch For All Your Big Adventures

Luminox sideIf you’ve visited this blog before you’re well aware of the many adventures in Motherhood that we live out on a daily basis around here. This time, I want to tell you about one of my greatest allies in all of these exploits of mine. In previous posts, I’ve documented some of the best tools to make being a Mom easier on the mind, body, and soul, but this time I’ve got something that is vital to your everyday routine.

It’s a military watch. Yes I know, you’re thinking that your old friend May has gone and lost her mind again. Well, you would be dead wrong about that one sister! This watch has been an absolute lifesaver on more than one occasion for the simple fact that it’s more than just a simple watch. But I’m getting ahead of myself here. Let me back up just a second.

This actually isn’t my watch, but my hubby’s. He bought it online after one of his buddies told him about a website for tactical watches. He found himself this great tactical watch last month and he loves it. Now what’s the difference between a military and a tactical watch? I don’t know, there may not be much of any difference between the two. But he let me borrow it the other day when the band on my Armitron snapped. I haven’t given it back yet and I refuse to do so. I simply love this watch, even though it’s clearly a man’s watch and it’s all big and bulky on my wrist. To tell you the truth, I don’t much care about that either. Not when it has this many great features and advantages.

So now you’re probably asking yourself what’s so damn hot about this particular tactical watch. Well, let me tell you, this watch has got so many cool widgets that I don’t even use all of them. I can tell you though, the ones that I do use have proven absolutely invaluable. It has multiple alarm settings, atomic timekeeping so the clock is always accurate, the watch is shock resistant and water resistant, plus it even has a thermometer. So I not only know what time it is but I can tell if it’s warm out or chilly enough to grab a few jackets for the kids. This is really a one-stop shop of vital information strapped to your wrist. I can’t think of a better asset to have with me when I’m running errands with the kids and they need to be at soccer practice or dance classes on time.

 

Ranting and Raving

rantingI have a lot to say today.  I don’t know I can’t seem to focus on one thing, but there are a lot of things on my mind at the moment. None of it is coherent. That is, none of it is connected, all right? All of it makes sense, or as much sense as I’m capable of making on any given day. I just can’t seem to stay focused on any one thing for some reason. I’m a scatterbrained mess today and you get to reap the rewards of my rambling. So here’s what’s up:

>The weekend is almost here, so that’s pretty good. The kids are almost out of school, so they’ll be spending more time at home. They’re too young for summer camp at the moment but one of them is already making some noise about wanting to go. You can thank my wonderful husband for that one. He was telling them how great his summer camp experiences were so now that’s gotten the oldest one thinking about going. Great.

>>Someone punk-ass punk called me a cow in the supermarket yesterday. A cow. No, he didn’t say it to my face, he said it to his punk-ass little friend. Under his breath. Like I couldn’t hear him. There I was in aisle seven, looking for those baked beans that the kids like and I guess I didn’t realize my cart was in the way. So here come these two jerks, approaching from behind, trying to get around me. One of them had some small amount of courtesy to say “excuse me” but the other one mumbles under his breath to his friend, “Move it, ya cow”. I couldn’t believe what I heard and the guy who said it was sure he had said it quietly enough that only his friend could hear. The friend snickered but tried to stifle it.

I was stunned, angry, and hurt. So you know what I did? I stood up straight, turned around and said MOOOO! The kid was mortified. You never seen anybody turn so red, so fast. I stepped forward and did it again – MOOOO. They turned right around and hightailed their punk asses back down aisle seven in the direction from which they came.

Words can hurt you know that? But dammit, if I didn’t enjoy seeing the look on their faces. Hey, I get it, I’m not skinny. I’m overweight and I’m not looking to make excuses, the PCOS makes it hard to lose the weight but I could probably be more diligent about keeping it down.

Just don’t you ever call me a cow, or I’m going to call you out on it.

>>>The World Cup is on. I’m not much of a soccer fan, I prefer other sports, but the girls are playing it in school and so they’ve been watching a lot of it on TV. They come home from class and watch the games and while they’re cheering for the USA, they’ve been picking other countries to root for based on the color of their jerseys. I’ve never heard of some of these countries before, but they sure have some crazy looking uniforms.

>>>>There seem to be more reruns of old Two and a Half Men airing on cable. FX has been showing a lot of them lately. Plus I’ve been rewatching episodes of Mom on the DVR. I can never get tired of either one of these shows but we’re starting to run out of memory space on the DVR. Now talk about First World Problems. There are kids out there starving, people suffering in the world, strife and war in countries where that’s all the people know…and here I am bitching about the DVR.

See, I told you I was having an ADD day today.

A Face for Radio

radioThat’s right I read out loud for a living. I was always good at it in school. Every time Mrs. Gilooly asked for a volunteer to read to the class, guess whose hand was up first? Mine! I guess I should have known I’d end up with a job that required me to do the same.

And dammit, I’m good at it.

Now when I say I do “voice-over work”, I should be more specific. I read copy for radio and TV commercials. I’m not the voice of a cartoon character like Phineas or Ferb or Prickly Porcupine or something like that. I’m the gal who tells you to come down to Tom, Dick, and Harry Chevrolet just off Route 47 in Lonedell. I do regional spots. These ain’t nationwide KFC commercials. But I did get to do a TV spot for the local cable company around here. That was fun. Paid okay too!

But everyone has to start somewhere right? All the big stars began their careers doing local gigs. David Letterman was a news anchor and weatherman for an Indianapolis radio station. Dan Castellaneta (the voice of Homer Simpson) used to do small market commercials – just like I do now! Mel Blanc was doing radio shows in Portland before he became the voice of Bugs Bunny, Porky Pig and more!

So this is just the beginning really! Today I’m doing commercials for Mister Sizzle’s restaurant on Milford Avenue (the home of the Rockin’ Reuben sandwich!) but tomorrow it’s the world! You know what I would be great at? I’d be great at being one of the Powerpuff Girls! My kids love watching those reruns on Nickelodeon or Cartoon Network and they just announced they’re doing a new version of the show next year! Maybe I should update my demo tape and send it in. I’ve got some good samples for a Powerpuff Girl. I could be Buttercup! I’ve got the attitude, the grittiness but with a good heart. I just want to protect my friends and family and make the bad guys pay! Now if that ain’t Buttercup, I don’t know how else to describe her!

Character work is the most fun but that doesn’t mean the gigs that I’m doing are any less exciting. Okay, maybe reading the script for an industrial video isn’t as glamorous as being a beloved cartoon personality, however you still have to bring the same discipline to the work. Your tone, inflection, and breathing are all still important. You want to smile when you say the product name to highlight it in your delivery. Don’t speak into your chest, raise your head up. Above all, e-nun-ci-ate! Speak clearly. Articulate each word. You can’t mumble and don’t talk too fast or else no one’s going to understand a word you’re saying.

Even the driest copy out there allows you to bring some kind of creativity to the table. That’s important! Otherwise they could get any mouth to speak. The talent comes in making the mundane sound freakin’ awesome! That’s my specialty. I can do awesome like you’ve never heard before!

Next time you’re in the St. Louis area, switch on the radio. 550 or 1120 AM, my spots have run on both of those, most recently. You’ll hear me.

No Need to Apologize, Chuck!

Chuck LorreMy love for Chuck Lorre is no secret around these parts. I could rant on and on about how creative and funny and amazing he is on so many levels.

Wait a minute. Wait wait. This is MY blog. I can do whatever the heck that I want, so I think I will do just exactly that!

Chuck Lorre is a freakin’ comedy genius. There I said it.

So when I tell you there’s no need to apologize, you must listen to me Chuck! (I’m speaking only to Chuck right now.) Don’t you do it Chuck. Don’t you apologize for Two and a Half Men!

Okay, for everyone else who has no idea what I’m even talking about right now, let me rewind a bit. Back to around two weeks ago, to the 3rd of June. Entertainment Weekly had an article about Mr. Lorre accepting an award at the Television Academy Honors for an episode of his new show Mom (totally freakin’ hilarious show, by the way). It was an episode that dealt with Allison Janney’s character’s alcoholism. Not such a funny thing to be making fun of, we have a history of some alcoholism in my family, but Chuck does a really good job at keeping it tasteful and appropriate without making a mockery of the issue. That’s not something everyone can pull off, but leave it up to Chuck to get it right.

Anyway, I’m going off on a tangent. He went up to get his award and here’s what he told the crowd: “To do a show about people trying to redeem their lives and to salvage and repair the damage they’ve done — for me, it’s an opportunity to apologize for Two and a Half Men.”

Apologize?? Who apologizes for success?? Mega-success in this case. Two and a Half Men has been going for 10 seasons! Ten! They must be doing something right over there. Forget about the whole Charlie Sheen thing (although I’ve never thought Ashton Kutcher has fully settled into the show organically, it was a much better dynamic with Jon and Charlie, probably because they really didn’t like each other off the set?), this show was one of the funniest sitcoms on TV!

Chuck knows funny. He started out on Roseanne. Only one of the best sitcoms in the history of television. I mean, that show really captured lower-middle class America in a way that didn’t kow-tow or make fun of its subject. And it was wildly popular. The show ran forever!

You don’t apologize for being funny and successful, Chuck! Your new show is another big hit. I love Mom. Allison Janney and Anna Faris are great together as mother and daughter. Again, it’s another sitcom about people who are learning to live with their past struggles. In Two and a Half Men, Charlie Sheen was pretty much playing himself with all the drugs, drinking, and womanizing. Mom is about coping with alcoholism. Chuck likes to tackle tough subjects, but not all in his shows. The Big Bang Theory (which is pretty much the best show on TV right now), keeps things a lot more light and hilarious, even though Sheldon is as much of a stinker as Charlie ever was on Men. But instead of collecting one night stands, Sheldon collects comic books!

Now that’s freakin’ genius if I do say so myself!