My trainer for the Lose A Ton show is Reno, a name which lends itself to the obvious nickname of Reno 911. He’s a 23 year old hottie. I can say that because I’m a married cougar.  Wait. Cougar would mean I’m on the prowl for fresh young meat. I’m not. I prefer the aged beef of my husband.

I would claim this is coming out so wrong but I like it that way.

I can joke with my trainer about his hot-ness because it’s all in fun and it embarasses the heck out of him. He is a bit reserved and hates the spotlight.   Which means I have to take every opportunity to shine it on him.

I like to joke that my trainer is featured in the trainers of my gym calendar.  He’s Mr. July, wearing a fireman’s uniform (but shirtless) and carrying a big hose. The caption reads, “Ma’am, I’m here to put out your fire.”  I call him Mr. July and now so does the other trainers.  The calendar doesn’t exist. But it should.  You’d agree if you saw the trainers at my gym. And you were into fit dudes.

Today we began our session with him asking me for Kim Kardashian’s phone number. Because I’m SO hooked up in Hollywood. I say that sarcastically with rolled eyeballs. My trainer loooooooooves Kim Kardashian. When I came back from Hollywood without her number, he asked for the number of Britney Spears.

Of course he asked as I was lifting a 45lb weight bar over my head. I almost gave myself a concussion, I was laughing so hard. “Britney Spears,” I gasped. “Why do you want to get hooked up with that wacka-doodle?”

“Cuz she’s hot.”

He’s 23. Need I say more?

“Look,” I told him as I set the weight bar on the ground. “Maybe she isn’t as wacky as the press makes her out to be. She might be a perfectly wonderful woman. But you think I’m an insecure neurotic mess? I’m not even a star. Can you imagine how high maitenence an actual multi millionaire super star would be? Do you really want to spend your entire relationship going, “But you ARE beautiful, honey. You ARE talented, honey. You ARE famous, honey.”

“Heck yeah, she’s hot!”

I got down on the floor to do push ups.   “So you’re telling me you like Ta-DOW girls?”

My trainer started laughing. “WHAT girls?”

“Ta-DOW! Girls who walk into a room and you go, “Ta-DOW! She’s hot!  Girls who walk into a room coming AND going, they’re so stacked in all the right places.”

My trainer kept laughing, “Ta Dow girls. I have never heard that one before. Well, yeah. I guess that’s my type! Sure!”

I promised him IF I ever do make it in Hollywood, I will be sure to send a Ta-DOW girl his way. Now all I need is a TV show. Sure, how hard could THAT be? I have to get a TV show so my trainer can get laid. If he was here, he’d say, “I do just fine on my own, thank you. But uh.. if you DO meet Kim Kardashian….”

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I forgot to tell Reno that I had told my trainers of my gym calendar joke to my mother, who later asked, “Do you have a copy of that calendar? Cuz I’d love to see it!”

I’m back from a week in Los Angeles and I already miss the seaweed. The seaweed on the beach AND on my plate. Oh yes, my lovelies. I ate seaweed. And it was good.

Here’s me posing in front of Real Food Daily, a vegan veggie organic restaurant in Santa Monica where I fell in love with seaweed. Notice I’m made up, wearing all black before Noon, and going to eat at a vegan vegetarian organic restaurant. Someone’s not in Missouri!

I was in Los Angeles for pitch meetings and Matt came with me. It was our first getaway without the kids and what did we do? Talked constantly about the kids.

Here’s Matt at the famous Gladstone’s of Malibu. We needed to grab lunch before a big network meeting and decided what the hell? Let’s eat a 110 dollar lunch because isn’t that what you do before a meeting with a network?  My crab stuffed lobster was served on a silver platter.

I could get used to dining on seafood with a stunning view of the ocean!

In order to actually live that lifestyle, I’d need a TV show!  Really, how hard could it be to get one? Hahahahah oh Jaden. You so funny.

And so is this picture. Me going, YEAH BABY I’M ON THE BEACH!  Ok, why is this not lining up by the actual picture? It isn’t on my screen, is it on yours? I’m a wanna be TV host, not a web expert!

Matt and I went to the beach as often as we could during out down time. One afternoon we went to Venice Beach and I noticed a dude standing outside of a shop waving a sign kinda like they do in front of Jiffy Lube when they’re offering $5 off an oil change. Except the dude was trying to get people to buy weed.  Go upstairs and talk to the doctor. Get a prescription. Go downstairs and get your pot. Go next door to buy your bong.  Go home and smoke up.

I didn’t!  But if I wanted to, it would be legal. Oh Los Angeles. You funny, too.

What I did indulge in is a bit of celebrity trainer, fitness expert, and Fit TV Host, Patrick Goudeau!

I had expressed my love of Patrick on this blog before, which started a dialog between myself and Patrick, with me assuring him I’m not an insane stalker. Unless we’re talking about Chuck Lorre and perhaps I can get a bit unbalanced. I emailed Patrick and asked if I could work out with him while in town. He said yes! He’s fit AND he’s a risk taker!  HAH!

He’s even cooler in person and super hard core in the gym. I got a fantastic workout and got to experience one of those super posh clubs. The parking lot looked like a luxury car dealership. I doubt that place has ever seen a fat person or a poor person. The locker room was like a spa.  Again, I could really get used to that kind of life!

Did all this fun make it hard to come back home?  No. I missed my girls so much it made it hard to completely relax and let go. On the flight home I kept mentally urging the plane to go faster. I couldn’t wait to hug them and kiss them and give them the seashells I had collected on the beach.

SO- was I able to travel and stick to my diet and exercise plan?  The diet was easy. There are so many healthy dining and take out options in L.A. The exercise part was tricky. My schedule was a bit crazy but I managed to fit one workout per day. Sometimes it was an hour long walk on the beach. Sometimes it was a run on the treadmill at a nearby gym. But it wasn’t anything compared to what I’ve gotten used to while on the Lose A Ton show. And tomorrow is weigh in! I managed to NOT gain weight while traveling, which I consider an accomplishment. Didn’t lose any, but didn’t gain any. I’m pretty thrilled with that.

Aaaand I know you’re dying to know- how did the meetings go? Good. Good good good. By now you know I’m too superstitious to talk about things until they’re final. And it’s Hollywood. You never truly know if they will ever be final. But you think positively and hope for the best. It’s not unlike a job interview. You get past the first round and hope there is enough interest for more- eventually leading to a contract. We shall see. And I’ll update you when I know more.